Catching their reflection…

Justice League

Directed by Zack Snyder

Written by Chris Terrio, Joss Whedon, Zack Snyder

Starring Ben Affleck, Henry Cavill, Gal Gadot, Ezra Miller, Jason Momoa, Ray Fisher

Not starring Diane Lane, J. K. Simmons, Amber Heard

Unfortunately (for their self-respect) featuring Amy Adams, Jeremy Irons

Review by Jordan

“I hear you can talk to fish”

Some people might bemoan Superman; the all-American hero whose powers appear limitless and subsequently disparage his crime-fighting companions. His appearance is, after all, bound to being an anti-climax, as he obliterates tension and performs the otherwise impossible with ease. Those who would criticise him though neglect to consider the beautiful simplicity in his design and core motivations: the classic image of Clark Kent at home on the range protecting a picturesque vision of family, comradery and hope as he assimilates into human life.

He is freedom and absolute victory personified, so when he finally sprung to life towards the third act of Justice League I had hope that he would rescue all involved in this unqualified disaster, beating some credibility and respectability back into a rapidly decaying, festering pile of cosplay outfits and misplaced quips.

It turns out that even Superman has his limitations.

Directed by Zack Snyder, who used to make good films and now makes bad films, and featuring Affleck, Cavill and Gadot reprising their roles from Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice, Justice League is a film so inept at offering a satisfactory cinematic experience it’ll have you crying out for climactic Martha scene just to lighten your mood. The simple joys of brunch have now been destroyed by the persistently unendearing Flash, DC villains have taken another giant step(penwolf) backwards and Amber Heard really needs a new manager… also, digitally altered upper lips are very rarely OK.

With a plot revolving around three poorly guarded cosmic cubes of destruction, captured with ease to annihilate or enslave all of Earth’s inhabitants, comic book logic is firmly harnessed and reveals that although an Amazonian woman can support an incredibly heavy stone pillar, she will struggle lifting a horse. Other insights include prison guards having uninhibited access to their mobile phones, mechanoid insect humanoids going unnoticed in a bustling city and that ancient, enraged warmongers have very little interrogation skills.

Like Batman vs. Superman, it’s follow-up is an example of a pretend movie; ironic given movies themselves are pretend reality. No aspect is genuine, with every intended emotion or motivation as dimensional as the paper the script was printed on; a script that should’ve been buried in the ridiculously shallow hole dug by the humans for their Mother Box, with the entire surrounding area than launched into outer space and swallowed by a black hole before spontaneously combusting.

Although Superman doesn’t save the movie when he returns, he at least ends it.

0.5 kidnapped janitors out of 5