Title – Cats (2019)
Director – Tom Hooper (The King’s Speech)
Cast – Francesca Hayward, Laurie Davidson, Idris Elba, James Corden, Rebel Wilson, Dame Judi Dench, Sir Ian McKellan, Jennifer Hudson, Taylor Swift
Plot – Abandoned cat Victoria (Hayward) gets introduced to a whole new cat world on the night a group of felines celebrate a new Jellicle evening.
“It’s party time!”
Review by Eddie on 13/01/2019
Sometimes in life we all ignore that quiet still small voice inside us, that voice with wise judgement urging us to make the right decision, sadly for me I recently ignored this inner voice and my want to see what has been called one of the most downright bad film’s of all time is a case of curiosity almost killing the (Eddie) cat.
I, like many others had no great desire to see the cinematic adaptation of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s stage musical Cats, especially after witnessing the close to frightening trailers, that for some reason decided to mould felines and humans into some form of monstrously designed evil hybrid but after all the press proclaiming the depths of despair this film sinks to, I felt it was my duty too catch it first hand.
What I and other viewers are greeted with is a film so lifeless and devoid of any form of spark, that it’s nigh on incomprehensible that not only Oscar nominated director Tom Hooper is the man responsible for this crime against film but that he managed to secure 100’s of million in cash to make it and recruit an A-list cast to partake in its follies.
How any sane person could read the Cats script and think it was going to turn out in a reasonable way is beyond me, as Hopper and his writing team lead this almost entirely song and dance experience through a plot that doesn’t even pretend to have a story.
There’s certainly visions I will never forget, that much I can give the film, images such as James Corden lapping up delicious treats with his cat tongue, Sir Ian McKellan meowing seductively to the camera, Jennifer Hudson’s runny nose and Rebel Wilson eating human cockroaches are but some glories but trying to figure out what is happening in this jellicle madness is not worth the brain power.
After a seemingly never ending opening song and dance number that almost sends you off the deep end before the shows even really begun, the tale of Francesca Hayward’s abandoned cat Victoria and her night out on the town being introduced to all manner of fluffy friends is two hours of pure tedium and pain as we begin to not only question the films existence, but that of life itself.
The whole experience is supposed to be a fun and colorful trip to an extra ordinary feline world but despite some undeniably great costumes and set design, this family rated feature is akin to some type of Lovecraftian horror trip as we traverse graveyards, milk clubs and back alleys on our quest to find out who indeed from these cats is the most jellicle.
Towards the end of Hopper’s disasterpiece, Dame Judi Dench’s cat matriarch Deuteronomy stares directly at the audience and proclaims about what we have all learnt throughout the last few hours, it’s a bizarre ploy, a scary and uncomfortable ending to a film that needs to be seen to be believed but one that I beg you not to ever watch, let that curiosity go and don’t make the same mistakes I did.
Final Say –
Cats is truly unlike anything we’ve ever seen before and I trust we will never see again.
A plot-less, painful and embarrassingly bad big budget extravaganza that will live long in echelons of epic Hollywood failures.
0 snooty noses out of 5
Superb. Well done for taking a chance, I was tempted just so I could take it down but I just couldn’t. Kudos to you for suffering through it and a nicely delivered review of the horror!
It was one of the hardest viewings of my life haha.
I personally liked it a little bit better than most, but it still wasn’t a great movie and was more of disappointment. My problem stems from the narrative. I’ve seeing the actual Broadway play of Cats (long time ago), so I vaguely remembered it. So, much of the narrative problems with the movie goes back to the original musical. My big beef with the movie is that it doesn’t try to create new material or expand upon its characters.
Great point mate. I think for a play it was far more enjoyable but this film just failed to find a hook or reason to exist it ended up becoming a whole lot of nothing that was painful to sit through.
Hah! Yes, my colleagues practically put money on the fact that I was too much of a film buff not to see this – and, despite your excellent warning! – I probably will… but, not until it hits Netflix, and I can run away easier 😉
I’m glad you’re not getting suckered into the cinema for this. At home I reckon I would’ve lasted 10 minutes max.
Hahaha! You tagged this trash under “Horror.” Well-played good sir: your sacrifice provided some good laughs.
It was one of those experiences you can only laugh at mate ha. I really can’t believe this film is real.
After Les Mis there was NO chance I was going to watch another Hooper musical! I am grateful you watched it just for the joy of reading your review!
I know a few that hated Les Mis. I actually didn’t mind that but wow Cats is just career ending ha.
Bless you for seeing it. I barely even got through the first trailer.
I knew I shouldn’t do it but I became convinced it may be hilariously bad. I was totally wrong.
What are your favourite hilariously bad films?
Oh great question! Let me say this was not one of them haha.
Obvious one is The Room.
Some others I dig in this regard are Cuttthroat Island, After Earth, most of James Franco’s directional efforts and Jupiter Ascending. They’re one’s that spring to mind but you’ve really got me thinking.
The Room is gloriously bad for sure. I’m more forgiving if I haven’t gone to the cinema and paid for it. Eight legged freaks was wonderfully woeful. Have you seen Gigli?
Oh Eight Legged Freaks I loved that as a young teen!
I’ve never actually tried to watch Gigli ha, not sure I can! Gobble gobble.
I’m tempted to see this just because it’s so awful.
I was the same and gave in but I can only say it’s not worth the pain.
Boy, do I pity you. I reviewed this sucker a week after it was released, and I, too, can testify to this film’s unpleasantries. I’ve actually thought about nabbing a DVD copy of the play just to see if it’s any better than the movie, but there’s that part of me that’s saying, “Never again, dude. Never again.”
I don’t think I could ever listen to any of these songs ever again ha. What a nightmare.
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