Title – Cats (2019)

Director – Tom Hooper (The King’s Speech)

Cast – Francesca Hayward, Laurie Davidson, Idris Elba, James Corden, Rebel Wilson, Dame Judi Dench, Sir Ian McKellan, Jennifer Hudson, Taylor Swift

Plot – Abandoned cat Victoria (Hayward) gets introduced to a whole new cat world on the night a group of felines celebrate a new Jellicle evening.

“It’s party time!”

Review by Eddie on 13/01/2019

Sometimes in life we all ignore that quiet still small voice inside us, that voice with wise judgement urging us to make the right decision, sadly for me I recently ignored this inner voice and my want to see what has been called one of the most downright bad film’s of all time is a case of curiosity almost killing the (Eddie) cat.

I, like many others had no great desire to see the cinematic adaptation of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s stage musical Cats, especially after witnessing the close to frightening trailers, that for some reason decided to mould felines and humans into some form of monstrously designed evil hybrid but after all the press proclaiming the depths of despair this film sinks to, I felt it was my duty too catch it first hand.

What I and other viewers are greeted with is a film so lifeless and devoid of any form of spark, that it’s nigh on incomprehensible that not only Oscar nominated director Tom Hooper is the man responsible for this crime against film but that he managed to secure 100’s of million in cash to make it and recruit an A-list cast to partake in its follies.

How any sane person could read the Cats script and think it was going to turn out in a reasonable way is beyond me, as Hopper and his writing team lead this almost entirely song and dance experience through a plot that doesn’t even pretend to have a story.

There’s certainly visions I will never forget, that much I can give the film, images such as James Corden lapping up delicious treats with his cat tongue, Sir Ian McKellan meowing seductively to the camera, Jennifer Hudson’s runny nose and Rebel Wilson eating human cockroaches are but some glories but trying to figure out what is happening in this jellicle madness is not worth the brain power.

After a seemingly never ending opening song and dance number that almost sends you off the deep end before the shows even really begun, the tale of Francesca Hayward’s abandoned cat Victoria and her night out on the town being introduced to all manner of fluffy friends is two hours of pure tedium and pain as we begin to not only question the films existence, but that of life itself.

The whole experience is supposed to be a fun and colorful trip to an extra ordinary feline world but despite some undeniably great costumes and set design, this family rated feature is akin to some type of Lovecraftian horror trip as we traverse graveyards, milk clubs and back alleys on our quest to find out who indeed from these cats is the most jellicle.

Towards the end of Hopper’s disasterpiece, Dame Judi Dench’s cat matriarch Deuteronomy stares directly at the audience and proclaims about what we have all learnt throughout the last few hours, it’s a bizarre ploy, a scary and uncomfortable ending to a film that needs to be seen to be believed but one that I beg you not to ever watch, let that curiosity go and don’t make the same mistakes I did.

Final Say –

Cats is truly unlike anything we’ve ever seen before and I trust we will never see again.

A plot-less, painful and embarrassingly bad big budget extravaganza that will live long in echelons of epic Hollywood failures.

0 snooty noses out of 5