Title – Haunted Mansion (2023)
Director – Justin Simien (Dear White People)
Cast – LaKeith Stanfield, Rosario Dawson, Owen Wilson, Tiffany Haddish, Danny DeVito, Jamie Lee Curtis
Plot – Single parent Gabbie (Dawson) discovers the remote mansion she just purchased isn’t as idyllic as she had thought it might be with a collection of ghosts making her life a living nightmare. Enlisting an eclectic group to help her rid the house of evil spirits, Gabbie with support of pessimistic ghost hunter Ben Matthias (Stanfield) set about discovering the cause of the properties issues.
“This place isn’t as warm as I hoped”
Review by Eddie on 13/09/2023
Carrying a budget that is in excess of $150 million dollars, Haunted Mansion (proudly bought to you by Amazon, U-Haul and Baskin and Robbins and co) yet again marks an occasion where Disney has paid a hefty sum to find their next big franchise starter that has been an ongoing occurrence ever since Pirates of the Caribbean became a global smash hit in 2003.
Across the 20 years since the theme park ride turned cinematic heavyweight soared on the waters of box office success Disney have tried to turn the likes of The Lone Ranger and John Carter into box office behemoths as well as park mainstays like Tomorrowland or Jungle Cruise into audience appeasing offerings but they have failed to find the magic formula that Gore Verbinski’s 2003 outing provided with Justin Simien’s new version of Haunted Mansion just as bad as the infamous Eddie Murphy starring 2003 affair that time had long forgotten.
A film that’s impossible to understand from a target market perspective, with it not entertaining or thrilling enough for younger audiences while also being too adult oriented to work regardless, while mature audiences will find little in the way of scares or magic to keep them enthralled for two hours of run time, Simien’s newest take on the Haunted Mansion brand may have ample throwbacks and winks to its theme park namesake but that’s no cause for celebration when this poorly designed, structured and badly animated blockbuster fails in so many areas.
Outrageously released in America in the midst of peak the Barbenheimer outbreak that overtook cinemas across the globe, it does feel as though Disney knew they had a giant flop on their hands that followed on close to their misfires in Dial of Destiny and the newest Ant-Man and were happy for Simien’s film to die a death that would be as quick and painless as possible, which is a shame considering Simien had access to such a talented cast and potentially ripe setting for a film of this nature that is squandered over a very tiresome few hours that culminates in one of the years most disastrous finales.
Giving the charismatic but deserving much better than this LaKeith Stanfield another chance to test his leading man credentials as grieving ghost hunter Ben Matthias, who must lead an eccentric group of misfits on an investigation into the haunting of Rosario Dawson’s Gabbie’s newest property on the outskirts of New Orleans, Haunted Mansion has a loaded cast that includes industry veterans like Owen Wilson, Danny DeVito, Jamie Lee Curtis and one of the most bizarre uses of Jared Leto you’re ever likely to see (not see) but is unable to get any type of flow going that makes this generic feature worth the price of admission.
Failing to be funny, unable to conjure up scares, suffering from poorly designed attempts at heart and soul and giving us little in the way of spectacle that would justify the price tag of production, Haunted Mansion is another significantly notable misstep from Disney who is in dire need of an outright success more so than ever before.
Final Say –
If you thought things couldn’t get any worse for Haunted Mansion in the wake of its 2003 incarnation think again, as twenty years on we now have this modern reimagining that throws its talented cast to the crocodiles in a CGI fest that has no sense of identity or purpose on its way to becoming one of 2023’s most notable failures.
1 Burger King pitstops out of 5
Jordan and Eddie (The Movie Guys) 
Quite similar to what our review, Matt, thought when he saw it back in August! I think they did a summer release to avoid lingering reviews but…. yeah, such a pity with that cast and the idea.
I was actually quietly excited to see it I thought it might have been one of the misunderstood family adventures but no it was just a really bad movie haha. Such a shame.
E
Great review, and thanks for letting me know to pass on this one. The trailer came on when I took the kids to see Elemental. It didn’t encourage me to see it at all, it looks terrible, but what it did do was scare my 4 year old (3 then). Sounds like that is its only accomplishment.
I think it hits Disney plus in early October mate, be interested to hear what you and the little ones think if you catch it but it was a real failure in my mind.
E
Ouch. Mind, hardly surprising, you can imagine how lazy the pitch was, and how only studio heads more adept in merchandising than making movies would be daft enough to spend $150 million on it and think they’d get any money back. The only thing Disney seems good at lately is making terrible movies and losing money down the drain. Bet the shareholders are livid.
It does not appear to be going well at all over at the mouse house when it comes to TV and movies. They are making some extremely poor judgement calls.
This was as you say a lazy film in so many ways but not without chances to actually be fun and entertaining. I was actually surprised critics weren’t much harsher on this one, I can’t see how it could be regarded as acceptable in any way.
E
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