Cockneys vs Zombies
Directed by Matthias Hoene
Starring Rasmus Hardiker, Harry Treadaway, Michelle Ryan
Review by Jordan
Sometimes, when stresses are mounting and life is getting you down, all you want is to see stumbling, rotting zombies dispatched in variously gruesome ways by slacker cockneys in London’s West End. If only there was a movie that delivered exactly this… nothing new, just another mindlessly entertaining romp with funny leads, machine gun wielding babes and enough exploding heads to make David Cronenberg blush…
Hang on a second, there is! and just in case you’re likely to forget the title, its handily called Cockneys vs Zombies!
Terry (Rasmus Hardiker) and Andy (Harry Treadaway) are petty crooks who, with help from their better-in-every-way cousin Katy (Michelle Ryan) and two other chumps attempt to rob a bank to stop the demolition of their disapproving grandpa’s (Cockney legend Alan Ford) nursing home. When construction workers at a nearby site happen upon a secret tomb and release the decomposing living dead at the same time, and the silent bank alarm is triggered, things go pear-shaped very quickly; cuing an entertaining and swear-filled (if not wholly successful) journey to the old folks home where a bloody showdown awaits.
Cockneys vs Zombies sets it sights low from the off-set and cheerfully obtains each of its goals; its occasionally laugh out loud funny, often wince inducingly violent and always watchable, mostly thanks to the playful chemistry between hopeless heroes Terry and Andy and the brilliant slang uttered by the old codgers. My knowledge of this part of the UK mostly stems from Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and The Bill, but I’m perfectly convinced that this deformation of the English language is true of this location, and Cockneys vs Zombies lovingly sends it up, offering more one-liners than you can throw a severed limb at. It feels needless to say that this is in fact another title that wouldn’t exist were it not for Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg’s pioneering Shaun of the Dead (2004), but at least it has the decency to not be awful like the vast array of cash-in zombie comedies released each year, and at a tight 88 minutes it doesn’t dare outstay its welcome.
It’s highly likely that if you were planning on seeing this film, you’ve done so already… it’s not exactly the type you have to prepare yourself for nor devote an entire night to, and on the flip side of this, if you’re not at all interested in B-grade carnage then I’ve possibly not changed your mind. Ah well, I’ve guess I’ve said a lot while really not saying much at all, like a true cockney.
3 metal head-plates out of 5