Title – Madame Web (2024)

Director – S.J. Clarkson (feature debut) 

Cast – Dakota Johnson, Sydney Sweeney, Isabela Merced, Tahar Rahim, Emma Roberts 

Plot – New York paramedic and outsider Cassandra Webb (Johnson) discovers a secret power inside her that will lead her to help protect a group of younger girls from the dangerous Ezekiel Sims (Rahim), whom Cassandra shares a previously unknown past with. 

“When you take on the responsibility, great power will come”

Review by Eddie on 23/02/2024

I’m not ashamed to admit I’ve seen some movies in my time. 

I am however ashamed to admit curiosity got the better of me and I ended up in an almost entirely empty cinema screening (thanks to one tolerant movie buddy who joined me on my trip to the local cinema) partaking in what can only be described as one of the most universally panned Hollywood blockbusters of the modern era. 

Not at all interested in watching another Sony Marvel outing after their last few efforts, hearing about the insanely awesome awfulness of Madame Web from friends, internet identities and esteemed critics made me want to witness a potential all-time cringe-fest and while when people are absolutely right in their hyperbole around just how bad Madame Web is, I’m still trying to comprehend how I could possibly testify to just how bad things are here. 

Directed by long time TV episode director S.J. Clarkson and featuring a cast of performers who have all proven over time to be more than capable of bringing the goods, Madame Web is not devoid of talent that may have been able to salvage some type of goodness from an offence against the entire cinematic medium but as a finished? (Honestly I am unsure how anyone could claim this is an acceptable final version, just watch for some of the most flawed examples of ADR you’re ever going to see) product there was no one or any thing that could’ve saved this nightmare from the fate it had created for itself. 

An experience that could only possibly come from a collective group who all gave up the fight to save it long before shooting had wrapped, Madame Web inexcusably comes from the same penmanship that was guilty of unleashing Morbius on us but screenwriters Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless at least managed to find some cult like goodness in Jared Leto and Matt Smith’s wildly OTT characters and bizarre action segments but Madame Web is nothing more than two hours of terrible plot, characters, spectacle and intentions and there is quite literally no valid reason for this movie to exist in the form it has been given. 

One of the most atrociously acted Hollywood films ever captured, with lead Dakota Johnson unable to hold back her disdain for a film she clearly hated being a part of and poor old Tahar Rahim taking the films most unfortunate mantle from a wigged Sydney Sweeney, Madame Web may have been promoted as some type of intense action thriller following the exploits of Johnson’s Cassandra Webb as she battles Rahim’s Ezekiel Sims alongside Sweeney’s Julia, Isabela Merced’s Anya and Celeste O’Connor’s Mattie but we get something else entirely that is hard to come to terms with. 

From some of the most detestable and frequent examples of product placement that becomes instantly iconic (some viewers may find themselves attempting to crack open a Pepsi can in their Calvin Klein’s after a viewing), a villain we literally know nothing about with zero attempts to bother explaining his plans or background, an embarrassing use of comic staple characters that aren’t even put into action outside of dream sequences and a script that must surely have been conjured on ChatGPT, Madame Web is a cesspool of Hollywood excrement that isn’t even funny in its horribleness, just merely sad and depressing. 

The only justifiable reason for Madame Web to be the film it is as it stands is if Sony are deliberately attempting to sabotage their Marvel property that no longer is allowed to include many fan favourites, if they aren’t in fact doing that there is zero excuses for why Madame Web has ever been allowed to be birthed into existence.

An irredeemable, amateurish and embarrassing exercise in pointless, Madame Web is a shockingly bad example of blockbuster filmmaking that is the exact type of bottom feeder product the cinema industry and the Marvel brand didn’t need at this particular point of time. 

Final Say – 

If you’re a glutton for punishment and want to be reminded of everything you wouldn’t wish to see in a supposed piece of big screen entertainment then Madame Web is for you! A truly iconic new addition to the staples of all-time misfires, nothing could prepare one for the garbage that is this $80 million dollar disasterpiece. 

0 fireworks to the head out of 5